Thunder & Roses

"To Say Goodbye"

2009-11-19T12:36:16Z

WHAT: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"
WHEN: during all seasons
PAIRING: Buffy/Angel
GENRE: angst/romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 1170
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

I. 2003.

Buffy looks at Angel over Caleb's dead body and it's so good to see him, to know that he came to her rescue even if she didn't need it all that much. After all, she's super Slayer now.

A part of her knows that he can't stay, knows that the world needs him elsewhere and she needs to do the right thing and let him go, because that's what super Slayers do. That's what all Slayers should do.

It doesn't mean that she can't kiss him, though, before she tells him goodbye. Tomorrow might be the last day of her second life, and if she needs to go again, she'd like to go with his kiss still on her lips.

II. 2002.

She goes to meet him halfway between L.A. and Sunnydale and she's running a bit late. She's also nervous, like she's sixteen years old again and Angel is just a handsome stranger she can't get out of her head. Judging by the way he's pacing in front of his car, he's nervous too. He stops abruptly when he sees her and they stand there for a while, just looking at each other before he closes the distance between them in a few quick strides and embraces her so tightly that she gasps for air.

''Sorry'', he mutters and loosens his grip but doesn't let her go.

Buffy can't remember ever seeing him this way and she suddenly feels more alive than she did since coming back from the dead.

When Angel finally releases her they lean against the hood of his car, facing away from each other and Buffy wonders briefly why did she agree to come here when it's gonna cause her nothing but pain. The answer is simple: she loves him and she missed him.

''I'm sorry'', Angel says again and she frowns, tilting her head to look up at him.

''For what?''

''For not saving you'', he tells her miserably and she laughs. She can't help it; laughter just bubbles out and tears spring to her eyes at the same time, blurring Angel's surprised face.

''Everybody's sorry for something involving me these days'', she tells him and steps closer to him, wiping at her eyes and taking his hand in hers.

''Buffy, what-''

''Shh'', she puts a finger on his lips to silence him and opens the car door, pushing him down in the driver's seat and sitting on his lap.

''Buffy-''

''Just kiss me'', she orders and he does. They both want more and she knows she's driving him insane doing this, but she need to be close. She needs to memorize the way he feels under her hands before she tells him goodbye.

III. 2001.

Angel's sitting behind her in a quiet cemetery and she's safe in his arms, shielded from the pain of her mother's sudden death. He feels solid and almost warm and she's so grateful that he came, so relieved that she won't have to get through the night alone.

When they kiss, memories of nights that seem so so long ago come rushing back and her hand presses against the side of his face in a painfully familiar way, and they get carried away.

They always get carried away and it's the reason Angel always leaves, and she tells him goodbye again and again and again. She wonders how many times before it kills her.

intermezzo. 2000.

They stand in his office staring at each other when the demon attacks and Angel gets rid of it in less than ten seconds. She's just a little bit impressed, but she mentally slaps herself because she needs to be angry and strong and tell him everything she rehearsed on her way here, but it's hard when he's looking at her the way he is, when he seems so breakable. The last thing she wants to do is hurt him and she knows he feels the same, but the two of them always end up doing exactly that.

Angel leans down to pick up the clock and Buffy just leaves, unable to keep doing this any longer, unable to look at him and know he'll never be what they both want him to be.

There's no future for them together and that's nothing but the cold, hard truth. A part of her fears that there isn't one for them with other people either, but she's not gonna dwell on that.

She walks out in the sun and feels a strange sense of loss, like she just lost a memory, and nothing will ever restore it again.

And it hurts that she didn't tell him goodbye.

IV. 1999.

Angel's telling her that they can't be together anymore and she's got trouble keeping the tears at bay. After all that happened, after all they got though, she can't believe that she's gonna lose him again. It's worse than the last time because now she knows how much it's gonna hurt, and she can't do anything to stop it. Still, she tries to reason with him, tries to convince him that they can make it work, but she knows it's a battle she can't win. Angel's trying to protect her and he's tearing her heart apart in the process.

It feels like all she does in her life is telling him goodbye.

V. 1998.

Buffy stakes another vampire and brushes herself off just as Angel comes out of the shadows. She quickly checks that her hair is in place and smiles up at him, feeling her blood rushing faster when he smiles too.

''Hey'', they both murmur and he pulls her close for a kiss that lasts until she's totally breathless. It's getting harder and harder to keep their lips apart, and she's never the one that pulls back.

''Done for tonight?'' He asks her and she nods, taking his offered hand.

They walk down the abandoned streets and she fills the silence with school anecdotes and training stories and Scooby gang antics and even though Angel doesn't say much, she knows she's got his undivided attention. She knows he loves her at least as much as she loves him, and that's almost more than her heart can take.

They reach her house and there's another smooch-fest before she tells him goodbye and sneaks up into her room.

It's another thing that's getting harder and harder every night.

VI. 1997.

She can't believe that her life can be this sucky. Angel is everything she wants and it's painful to know that she can't have him, that it's her destiny to put a stake through his heart.

Buffy looks up at his eyes and knows that he would never hurt her, but it's not enough, at least not in a world where everything needs to be black and white, light and darkness totally separated from each other.

She kisses him for what she believes is one last time and she tells him goodbye, turning away and mourning the loss of something that could've been special.

Mourning the loss of someone who could've been the love of her life.

"The Long Way Home"

2009-10-07T20:43:44Z

WHAT: "Supernatural"
WHEN: post "The End"
PAIRING: Dean/Anna
GENRE: angst/romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 1822
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

In the end, Dean says ''yes''. He says ''yes'' and lets Michael in, and what follows is a fight that trashes a good part of American midwest.

***

Anna isn't dead, but she's not alive either, trapped in Heaven, unable to move, to see, even to speak. She screams inside for them to kill her, but no one listens. After a while, she focuses on what they are saying to each other and every sentence is about Michael, about the course of the war that never should've even started.

And then, everything is silent for a while, before Castiel says: ''Sam Winchester is dead.'' To Anna's ears, it sounds exactly the way ''Dean Winchester is out'' once did, and she can't understand why do they marvel in his death.

Three days later, Lucifer is defeated, and Anna gets her explanation.

Michael returns to Heaven, and nobody even mentions Dean. Anna never felt more alone.

***

Zachariah comes to her and releases her invisible chains and she blinks in the harsh white light, climbing to her feet and balling her small hands into fists.

He offers her a deal. She tries not to look surprised but she can't really pull it off. They will allow her to fall again if she wants, but this time, her grace will be destroyed and she'll never be able to come back.

''Where's the catch?'' She finally asks, and Zachariah just laughs.

''We've got no use for you here, and torturing you is getting old.''

Anna is chilled to the bone, but she doesn't even have to think about what her choice would be.

''I'll fall'', she says, and reaches for her grace.

''Are you sure? After all, we know your thoughts, and we know what would hurt you more than any physical torture ever could. Do you understand what I'm saying?''

Anna falters and tries to read his face, but he's wearing the same smug smile he always does, and she doesn't want to think; she rips off her grace and then she's falling, and it's painful, but it already feels like freedom, tastes like chocolate cake.

***

She crashes to Earth in the middle of nowhere and she's still wearing the same body, she still has all of her memories, she's still twenty-four years old; she's still Anna.

It's how she knows she's been cheated.

She picks a direction and starts walking. It's cold and she's naked, but there's nothing else she can do.

***

She steals some clothes from the line in someone's back yard when she finally reaches civilization, sleeps under a bridge and calls Dean's cellphone number because she doesn't know what else she could do.

The phone rings and rings and she's about to hang up when a gruff male voice demands to know who's he talking to and she stutters out her name, asking if she could speak with Dean.

There's silence on the other end of the line and she is so very afraid.

''What do you need him for?'' The man finally asks and Anna tells him that she's in trouble and only Dean can help her. It's the truth since her parents are dead and all her friends think she's a loon. She doesn't mention angels, though. She's got a feeling it wouldn't bode well if she did.

''Honey, Dean's the last person who can help you'', the man tells her, but gives her the address where she can find him anyway. She's two states over but she hitchhikes and she's standing on the ratty porch two days later, her stomach like a big void from both hunger and desperation.

The door opens before she even knocks and a man in a wheelchair looks up at her warily.

''Anna?''

''Yeah'', she says, and he mumbles his name before rolling down the hall. She closes the door and follows, wrinkling her nose at the smell of scotch lingering in the air. She's afraid of what she'll find here, afraid of what's become of Dean.

Bobby pauses outside a room and opens the door, waving for her to go in before leaving her alone. Or, not alone, because Dean is sitting next to the window, staring back at her.

Anna can't stop herself from smiling because he's alive, but the smile falters as she comes closer to him and sees his face. It's blank and his eyes are dead and Anna whispers his name like a prayer. It doesn't get her any kind of response so she lays a hand on his shoulder, barely applying pressure, afraid of his reaction. A tiny frown creases his forehead, as if he's trying to remember something that has been lost to him for a long time.

Anna waits patiently, but nothing happens. Dean's forehead clears and she realizes that this is what Zachariah had in mind, that she's not free from Heaven's chains even if she's back on Earth.

''So this is what you get for letting Michael in and saving the world'', she muses and takes his cold, limp hand in hers, wiping away a tear with her free hand.

For the first time, she thinks that there is no difference between angels and demons.

***

Bobby assumes that she's just one of Dean's girlfriends and that she'd be staying with them, and she doesn't correct him and doesn't tell him that she's got nowhere else to go anyway.

***

Dean's condition doesn't change. He doesn't talk and he doesn't meet her eyes, but she doesn't give up on trying to fix him.

She ends up cooking and taking care of the house and both him and Bobby, who's drunk more often than not, and still she doesn't regret falling again. Being alive is worth it all, and taking care of Dean feels effortless despite the fact that every day breaks her heart all over again.

***

Months fly by, and she convinces herself that there's progress even though everything is an intricate routine when Dean is concerned.

She sees scarce flashes of the old Dean, the one who kissed her and made her smile when she thought she would die, the one before Michael, and she keeps them all close to her heart. He meets her eyes for the briefest of moments and it lights her entire week, he stands up when she tells him that they're going for a walk and they're out of the house with minimal fumbling, and to her, walking down the street with his hand firmly in hers feels like floating on clouds.

***

She wakes up and finds Dean standing next to her bed. His eyes are closed and he's shaking all over and Anna climbs to her knees and slowly touches her hand to his chest, flinching when he does.

''Dean? What's wrong?''

She doesn't really expect him to respond and she gently tugs him down on the bed next to her. He sits down and sighs, and the sound of it is so lonely that she reacts on an instinct; her arms go around him and she presses herself against his side, his head cradled against her shoulder.

Dean doesn't relax against her like she hopes he would, but his arm wraps around her waist like a vice and it's even better.

She doesn't acknowledge the pain.

***

Five years after she falls, they're sitting on the couch and both pretending to be watching TV, and all of a sudden, her hand is lost in Dean's. Anna is afraid to move, and when she looks at him from the corner of her eye, she could swear that there's a half smile on his lips.

She doesn't get up from the couch that night and he falls asleep with his head in her lap, her hand still in his.

It's so nice to pretend that nothing's wrong with him, that they are just continuing what they started on Impala's back seat, once upon a time when they were both young and unbroken.

***

It's a bright summer morning and she's forcing Dean's arms through the sleeves of a T-shirt when it dawns on her: she's in love. It's not that insane feeling she used to get when she was a teenager; everything is clear and painful and a part of her knows that it's hopeless, but she can't help herself.

She can't understand why didn't she realize that it was inevitable the second she laid eyes on him.

***

Bobby's liver shuts down for good nine years after the end of the apocalypse and it's the first time she sees Dean crying, tears rolling down his cheeks for hours, and it seems they would never stop. She wants to join him more than anything, but she's so used to being strong that she just can't. She wraps her arms around him and just holds him, and it hurts to know that she's the only thing he's got left.

***

On Anna's thirty-fifth birthday as a human, she blows out the candles and doesn't ask for a miracle. There's nothing she wants that she can have, and she'd be happy with status quo.

***

Dean dies in his sleep fifteen years after her second fall and Anna is a mess. All she can think about is that it wasn't enough time, that she didn't get to fix him.

***

She buries him on a Sunday, rain coming down in sheets, soaking her to the bone. She comes back home from the funeral in a daze and fills the tub with hot water, but she can't shake the cold.

***
Dean is gone, and Anna doesn't know what to do with herself.

***

When Castiel appears in her living room, she barely recognizes him. She can't think of a reason for him to be there and just stares blankly at him, wondering if maybe they think she hasn't suffered enough.

''I found God'', Castiel says and Anna's not sure why is he telling her this. Does he think she cares? ''He wants you to come home.''

Anna raises an eyebrow and says nothing.

''Do you want to, Anna?''

''You know I can't.''

''Zachariah's dead'', Castiel tells her and looks at her expectantly.

Anna looks around the room, at all the things that remind her of Dean, and shakes her head. ''I don't wanna be an angel again.''

Castiel frowns, unable to comprehend her response, but she couldn't care less.

Dean is the only home she wants.

***

She never marries. She never makes babies and looks into the eyes of chubby grandchildren. She never stops dreaming of Dean and her memories are more of hand holding than making love.

***

The light is so bright when she finally steps into Heaven again, and she can't believe her eyes when she sees Dean, coming to meet her with a smirk on his face.

''Took your time, didn't you?'' He says and Anna smashes into him. Who ever said that you couldn't go home was wrong.

She's finally, finally exactly where she's supposed to be.

"Another Missed Opportunity"

2009-07-25T18:04:29Z

WHAT: "Dark Angel"
WHEN: post "Haven"
PAIRING: Max/Logan
GENRE: romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 3259
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

She feels the first signs of the seizures half an hour before the end of her shift and goes straight to her locker to get her pills. Only, the bottle is empty and she desperately tries not to panic as she asks OC to cover for her.

''You okay, boo? You're trembling.'' OC isn't one to be fooled easily, but Max plasters a smile on her face, and does her best to dismiss her friend's worry. She knows that OC would gladly help, but she needs her to keep Normal from firing her for dissin' work again.

Her smile dies as soon as she turns away and starts for the door because she knows she'll never reach her place in time. She's not sure if Logan's still got a stash of her pills, but she hopes he can get some if he doesn't.

She hates this, hates her faulty brain chemistry and how helpless it makes her feel at times.

By the time she turns onto 1st Avenue, the seizures are bad enough to make her trip over her own feet every few steps, and she's so afraid she won't make it but keeps going because there's nothing else left to do.

She thinks of Jack, dead on the floor of their barrack and it hurts deep inside. The only thing she's ever been afraid of is dying alone, shaking uncontrollably until the very last.

Suddenly, she's down in Logan's garage and it's such a relief to step into the elevator that she might even cry. She punches the PH button and leans heavily against the wall, telling herself that she can't pass out now, just a few minutes away from safety.

The elevator door finally opens and she stumbles outside. Her vision fills with black spots and her ears are ringing, and when she finds herself on the floor, she's not sure how she got there, and the right side of her forehead is screaming in pain.

She just lays there, in the hallway in front of Logan's door, trying to figure out what just happened. Did she faint and hit her head or was it the pain that made her black out? She brings her hand up and feels a lump just under the hearline, and her fingers come away wet with blood. Her thoughts are jumbled but she's certain that X5s don't get concussions.

Still, she doesn't feel all that hot and her head really hurts, so she slowly sits up against the door frame and knocks on Logan's door. At least the seizure stopped. It appears that the shock of a blow to the head actually made her brain work like it should.

She hears Logan pausing on the other side of the door and calls softly: ''It's me'', wincing as the pain intensifies for a moment, then goes back to dull pounding in her skull.

The door finally opens and she doesn't have to turn her head to the side to know that Logan's looking at her with a bewildered expression on his face.

''Hey'', she says as gently as possible because she knows by now that even that hurts.

''What happened?'' He asks, rolling out in the hallway and facing her. His eyes instantly focus on her forehead and when he stretches a hand toward her head, she doesn't move an inch, even though her first instinct is to pull away. His fingers slide in her hair as he cups her face and leans toward her to peer closely at her wound, and suddenly, all she can think about is that one kiss she stole from him and never forgot about.

''Max?'' He murmurs and she looks up at his eyes, realizing too late that it's the last thing she should do in her state, and when he's this close to her.

Logan's eyes aren't like any other she ever saw before, she knows that, but she's not certain they've ever been quite this close, just looking at each other. She often thinks about their color, though, debating with herself, sometimes thinking that they must be green, sometimes certain that they're blue, and sometimes, like right now, it's like they're changing color as she watches, completely spell-bound, reduced to a romanticized version of herself.

''Did someone attack you?'' Logan asks and the spell is broken, and Max looks away with immense relief. She tells herself it's all from the head injury, but a part of her knows it's just a catalyst.

''I think I hit my head on your door frame'', she finally speaks, careful not to meet his questioning gaze.

''You think?''

''I got the shivers and must've fainted or something. It's no big dealio'', she finishes meekly, trying to play everything that happened down because his concern is making her feel funny inside.

Logan finally releases her and leans back in his chair, looking at her a bit pensively.

She raises her eyebrows and winces.

''What?'' She asks cautiously, this time careful not to move any part of her face.

''Just trying to figure out the mechanics of getting you inside without having to call Bling'', he tells her, and although he looks unfazed, Max knows that he's probably completely unhinged because he can't just scoop her up and carry her into his apartment. That image alone is almost enough to make her blush but she knows it's not meant to be and does her best to steer him away from those kind of thoughts.

''Hold your horses just yet, okay? I'm good where I am for now, and I doubt either of you could get me inside without making it hurt.''

''I thought you had a high tolerance for pain'', he says and she's sure he's just teasing, but she feels slightly offended.

''Maybe I spent too long outside of Manticore'', she tells him with a pointed look.

''Max-''

''I'm fine here, promise. At least as long as I don't move my head. Or smile, or raise my eyebrows'', she ads, chuckling involuntarily. ''Ouch.''

''Can I at least get you anything?'' He asks, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and looking at her forehead again. ''That may need stitches.''

''Not likely. Just let me sit here for a while and then you can clean me up.''

''Okay. I'll get you your pills and a glass of water'', he tells her and she mumbles her agreement, closing her eyes and sighing deeply.

When she opens them again, he's already back and she takes a few pills from his hand, the rush of his skin shifting something deep inside of her. She keeps telling herself that it's just the head injury, but every time she allows herself to look his way she sees colored kisses.

Logan sits with her in the hallway patiently and as time ticks away the pain subsides enough to make her wanna get up from the floor and stop being such a baby. Zack would be so disappointed in her if he could see her now.

''I think I'm ready'', she says and looks at him sheepishly. ''I might need a hand though.''

She sees a brief flash of self-doubt in his eyes but then he shakes it off and comes as close to her as possible, locking the brakes and waiting for her to make the next move.

Max shifts slowly to her knees and braces herself against his without asking for permission or checking his reaction, trying not to move her head as she gets on her feet. She wavers only slightly, but his hands are instantly on her waist, steadying her so effortlessly as she braces herself against his shoulders because her head is spinning and she's suddenly breathless.

She's not sure if it's from his proximity or not, but she doesn't want to move away, she wants to be just like this, for as long as possible.

''Do you wanna sit down?'' He asks and her mind goes straight to the gutter. She's sure she's not in heat and knows that he doesn't mean his lap, but she's got a head injury and she can blame everything on it tomorrow.

''Yes'', she answers, and to her immense surprise, he takes her hands from his shoulders and gently guides her to sit down into his lap, and she gets a strong urge to ask him who the hell is he and what did he do with Logan.

''You okay?''

''Almost good as new'', she says a bit dazedly, because it's hard to concentrate when you have Logan Cale's strong arms around you and his lips are about 4.67 inches away from your own.

''One culinary miracle and I bet you will be'', he says and she smiles, forgetting that she's not supposed to if she wants to avoid the pain.

He rolls them both inside and she thinks: what pain?

***

She can tell that she won't be gettin' her miracle tonight two seconds after Logan picks up the phone. He's in his office and she's lying on the couch, nestled comfortably under the thick comforter with a fluffy pillow under her head, the pain gone as long as she doesn't make any sudden movements. She watches the emotions play across his face: first surprise, than concern and a little bit of fear followed with hurried determination.

''Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can'', he says and hangs up the phone, staring at it for a while before meeting her eyes across the room.

She refuses to ask but she knows that the evening is ruined.

''My uncle had a heart attack'', he says flatly, and Max is surprised that under the false bravado, he really cares.

''And you're going to the hospital? Right now?'' She asks, looking away. Any other night and she'd say ''whatever'' and storm out of there, but things have changed and she slowly sits up and watches him come closer.

''I have to.''

''Why?''

''Look… I know I said he's a bastard, but he's also family, and Bennett's freaking out because Margo already caused a scene and Marianne isn't there yet.''

''Fine. Go. But I'm coming with you and you still owe me my miracle'', she tells him and he's not even trying to argue, his eyes shining only with relief.

***

''You sure your head is okay?'' Logan asks as he pulls out from the garage and Max rolls her eyes even though she's secretly enjoying the attention.

''I'm not eight years old, Logan.''

''Fine'', he mutters and shifts the gears forcefully, and Max realizes for the first time that he's freaking out because the uncle who couldn't care less about him is probably gonna die.

There's silence for a while and then Logan apologizes and tells her that he's just worried, and that maybe she should've gone home instead of coming with him.

''I'm not letting you face the music alone, not after what happened last time'', she tells him, remembering the talk behind his back when he took her to his cousin's wedding.

''What about last time?''

Max just looks at him and he shrugs.

''That's just family stuff.''

''You didn't even hear all of it'', she argues and wonders how did they get here, fighting over his family.

''What did they say?'' He asks softly, and Max can't bring herself to tell him.

''It doesn't matter. I just think you should've stayed home too.''

''Whatever it was, they're family and you should understand why I'm going better than most people'', he raises his voice a little and she narrows her eyes angrily, gritting her teeth when her forehead protests.

''What's that supposed to mean?''

''You throw the word 'family' at me every time there's a crisis with your siblings and I tell you to wait instead of going in without even considering the consequences'', he exclaims, clearly exasperated with her double standards. ''And it's not even dangerous what I'm doing'', he adds, his voice a little softer, but for same reason, Max just can't stop arguing with him over this.

''My family would do the same thing for me if I needed help, risking their lives without a second though, and yours didn't care enough to even come to visit you when you got shot and spent two months in a hospital!'' All this shouting is giving her a headache all over again and it's amazing how fast things can go from bliss to horror when the two of them are involved.

Logan pulls into the garage of Metro Medical and kills the engine, looking at her for a moment before speaking.

''How do you know they never came?''

Max rolls her eyes, trying to look nonchalant, realizing she slipped and revealed what she never intended to. ''You told me.''

''No, actually, I didn't.''

Max huffs and tries to think of a way out, and Logan's not taking his eyes off her.

''I kept an eye on you'', she finally admits softly, darting a look at him before going back to staring through the windshield. He just looks surprised.

''And I never saw you because?''

''Because I didn't want you to think that I felt guilty for what I've done. Or haven't done. It wasn't about that.''

She can't look at him. Of all the secrets she's kept from him, this one hurts the most because she's lying to him again. She feels guilty and she's not certain she'll ever get over it.

She thinks it's her fault he got shot, and she can't tell him that because she's deathly afraid he'll agree.

The silence gets to her and she finally looks at him, and there's a private half-smile on his face that breaks her heart. She watches him open the door and she can't believe he'll just let everything slide like this, but she's not gonna argue this time, so she quickly gets out from the car and waits for him to join her, a part of her knowing she's not in the clear yet.

***

Logan goes straight to the waiting room to talk with Margo and Bennett and Max stands just inside the door for a while like a silent guard, but no one seems to be rude with Logan so she goes down the hall, spotting Marianne next to a coffee machine. She looks annoyed and tired, but still smiles when she sees Max.

''Hey. You came with Logan?'' Marianne asks for the sake of asking and Max shrugs, leaning against the wall next to the machine.

''We were about to have dinner when Bennett called, and I had nothing better to do.''

''Nothing better to do than hang around a hospital?'' Marianne raises her well-groomed eyebrows and chuckles.

''I don't mind being here.''

And it's the absolute truth. She's not a fan of hospitals, but she doesn't hate them either. Compared to Manticore, they're heaven; a place where you can usually get better when there's something wrong with you, instead of getting worse for the sake of some bent experiment.

''I hate being here'', Marianne says, shivering a little and taking a sip of her coffee.

''How come you're not in there with Bennett?'' Max asks her, tilting her head toward the waiting room.

''I'm gathering the strength to face Margo'', Marianne answers miserably, downing her coffee like a shot of whiskey and throwing the cup in the trash.

''Does Bennett even know you're here?''

''No'', Marianne says sheepishly and crosses her arms in front of her chest.

''Come on. I got your back'', Max starts back and Marianne follows, but Max is pretty sure she's holding her breath.

***

Logan looks astoundingly out of place in the waiting room. Max knows he's more used to coming to the hospital as a patient then as a visitor, at least lately, and it seems he just doesn't know what to do with himself. She sits in a chair next to him and nudges him with her shoulder.

''You okay?''

''Yeah'', he replays, sitting up a little straighter.

''Do they know anything yet?''

''He's still in surgery.''

Max slumps lower in her seat because he's obviously not in the mood to talk to her, and wonders how much time are they going to spend here doing nothing.

***

Margo and Marianne are asleep, one on each of Bennett's shoulders, and Max catches Logan staring at them with strange longing written on his face.

She doesn't think she'll ever figure him out.

The doctor finally arrives about an hour later and tells them that ''Mr. Cale will be alright''. Margo demands to see her husband immediately and won't take no for an answer. The doctor looks genuinely frightened and lets her come with him, and Bennett chuckles as soon as she's out of the door.

''Leave it to mum to boss around even the hospital staff.''

Max glances at her watch and sees that it's already past 11 o'clock. Logan spends a few more minutes talking to Bennett and then they're finally out of there, and Max casts one last look at Logan's cousin, smiling to herself because Marianne is still sleeping on his shoulder.

***

''So… about you lurking around the hospital'', Logan starts as soon as they're back on the street. Max frowns, feeling stupid that she actually thought he'd let it slide.

''I was just watching your back'', she says defensively, staring at his profile and hoping to bully him into giving up his questioning. He meets her eyes steadily and she has to look away.

''Why?''

Max sighs and says nothing. What can she possibly tell him other than the truth she can't make herself form into words?

''Because I wanted to.''

She can see that it's not the kind of answer he expected, but it seems like he's satisfied with it, at least for now.

Neither of them speaks for the rest of the ride and Max wonders briefly if she should just tell him to leave her off on Seneca because it's almost midnight and he looks drained, but she still remembers the wild hope from the evening's start and can't make herself let it go yet.

''How's your head?'' Logan asks her and she smiles in the dark because it's so good to know that he cares.

''Absolutely okay.''

***

She sits on the couch and waits for him to warm up their dinner, staring out at the city sky. It's dark blue tonight, not unlike Logan's eyes when he's angry or sad, or just very tired. Even though she probably looks lost in thought, Max is alert, ready to spring into action. She wants those feelings from a few hours ago back, wants to create that atmosphere of anticipation and endless opportunities again, and yet, she doesn't know how.

Half-way through their late-night dinner, she realizes that they've let other people's problems get between them again, and that there's no going back. Some other couple could probably get close again in a second, both physically and mentally, but they're Max and Logan, and she knows that even if she reaches across the table and takes his hand in hers he'll just pull it away and pretend nothing happened.

They're stuck where they are, not friends anymore and not something else yet, and she can't push it in either direction. The only thing she can do is wait, and if she's patient enough, she's sure that they'll find their way to each other again.

Logan looks up from his plate and smiles at her, and as she smiles back, she knows that it will all be totally worth the wait.

"Survival"

2009-06-28T14:23:46Z

WHAT: "NCIS"
WHEN: post "Aliyah"
PAIRING:Tony/Ziva
GENRE: angst/romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 1192
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

There is not a part of her that doesn't hurt. The pain is dull, always there and too constant to surprise her with its intensity.

When she woke up after the first day, she was certain that she was dying. Her head hurt so much and she could hear blood rushing in her ears, and when she tried to stand, she couldn't.

She thought she was dying, but after there weeks, she knows she's already dead.

***

They keep asking her to tell them everything she knows about NCIS, but she doesn't. She may scream as they break her bones and burn her, but she doesn't tell them a single thing. It's not even her Mossad training that keeps her from breaking; it's the fear that she could get the friends she left behind killed.

It's the fear that Tony could die thinking she hated him.

It's the fear that Tony could die, period.

***

Sometimes she dreams that she's back in Washington. It's always spring and everything is green; green grass, green leaves on trees, green river, green, green, green. Green like Tony's eyes.

Everything always comes back to him.

***

She often thinks about Abby, because she knows that her death would affect her the most, the woman-child with dark clothes, pigtails and the purest soul of them all. Ziva worries because Abby is fragile like porcelain from the inside out and she doesn't want to be the one that would finally break her.

***

After a month and a half, she barely registers anything anymore. They hit her and they cut her, but she's so used to the pain that she barely notices.

She's safe inside her head where a single word repeats itself over and over again, and it's comforting, it's soothing, it's an escape.

That word is a name. It's a prayer, it's hope, it's life after death.

It's so simple.

Tony.

***

At night, when they hurt her so much that it's impossible to even sleep, she imagines the day when Tony will come and rescue her. A part of her knows that he's not even looking for her, but she pretends it doesn't exist. She creates a future so intricate that she can almost see him there with her already, she can almost feel him on her fingertips, taste him on her lips, hear his voice in her ear.

When the morning comes and the door slams open violently, she's always surprised that it's not Tony entering.

But somehow, she doesn't lose hope.

***

It all comes to a point where her torturers don't know what to do to her anymore, even their twisted imagination running dry. Ziva can feel that they're finally starting to realize that she won't talk; it's loud in their vicious blows, in their cold stares.

It means that she won't be a living dead girl for much longer, and she's almost relieved.

***

Three days pass and nobody hits her. They give her food and water but they don't hit her and she can't understand what's happening. She knows it's the silence before the storm and she's never been more afraid.

***

Tony is calling her name. The dream is so vivid and beautiful and she's holding onto it with everything she's got.

''Ziva.'' Nothing ever felt better than hearing his voice again. ''Please.''

She frowns, puzzled. Her eyes open involuntarily and she gasps because Tony is chained to the wall across from her and there's blood everywhere.

She prays silently that this is just a nightmare inside of a nightmare.

She finds herself next to him but doesn't remember how she got there. Her hand shakes when she reaches out to touch him, but she pauses mid-air because everything looks raw and painful and she wants to wake up, now. Her heart is beating frantically and Tony looks at her like everything is okay.

''Ziva'', he breathes, the sound so gentle, so heartbreaking. ''I'm sorry.''

She just wants to wake up.

***

''Tell us everything about NCIS'', her captors demand again, and this time she's paying attention because they have a knife next to Tony's heart.

''Ziva, don't'', Tony says, but she avoids his eyes and starts speaking. She lived through months of torture but they found the only thing that could break her; a prospect of the world without Tony.

She wishes he never came looking for her.

***

When she's done, they tell her that they'll both be executed at dawn. She knew it would go that way, but she still feels tears streaming down her face as soon as the door closes.

Tony wraps his arms around her and she knows it hurts him as much as it hurts her, but it still feels good. She closes her eyes and thinks how glad she is that he's with her. It's selfish and she'd never admit it to him, not even now, in their final hours, but she can take losing him if she doesn't have to die alone.

''I am sorry'', she tells him, choking on her tears, and Tony just shushes her and holds her tighter.

She doesn't sleep and they don't talk, but she's never felt closer to anybody else in her life.

The morning comes with the slamming of the door, and she jerks in his arms, a shriek tearing from her throat without any conscious effort.

''They're here'', McGee says softly and she blinks, looking at Tony, wanting to make sure she's not just imagining things before allowing hope back in.

''What took you so long, Probie?'' Tony whispers and then Gibbs charges inside and life seems like a dream.

***

Tony doesn't want to let go of her and she doesn't want him to let go of her, so they have to carry them out together; it's impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins, and she could swear that there are tears in Gibbs' eyes.

***

They finally separate them at the field hospital, pumping them so full of drugs that everything is fluid like water, muffled like a gunshot through a silencer. She sees double and can't move too good, but still manages to protest when they pry his arms from around her.

***

Tony's calling her name again and she swims to the surface of wakefulness slowly, in painful stages.

''Ziva.''

She turns her weary head to the side and finds him in the bed next to hers.

'''You are too far away'', she says drowsily and stretches her arm across the empty space between them. He does the same but their fingers don't come even close to touching.

''Don't move'', Tony orders and she watches him sit up and put his feet on the floor. He stands up, wavers, stumbles and collapses on top of her.

Ziva yelps with pain and he apologizes, somehow settling under her covers without any further damage to either of them.

He takes her hand in his and attempts a smile.

She snuggles as close as her broken leg allows and his lips press against hers. She tastes tears and pulls away, telling him that everything is okay now.

It's not exactly true but it's not wrong either, because they survived.

They survived.

''One Departure, Four Arrivals'' (5/5)

2009-06-18T07:26:32Z

WHAT: "Dark Angel"
WHEN: "Blah Blah, Woof Woof" AU
PAIRING: Max/Logan
GENRE: angst/romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 1139
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.
CHAPTER 5: Status Quo

Logan isn't at home. She would think nothing of it if the Aztek wasn't in the garage but it is and she worries. She picks up the phone and puts it back down again. She goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, but takes nothing out. She finally settles on an office chair and waits in the darkness.

He comes in twenty minutes later and rolls right past the office without noticing her. She jumps on her feet and doesn't care if she startles him or not because he's okay, he's here and she's so relieved she could cry.

''Logan!'' She calls after him and when he turns around and looks at her, she gets the feeling that she's not gonna get the fairytale ending she wants.

''Hey'', he goes for the casual greeting, like nothing ever happened, like she wasn't gone for nine months.

''Where were you?'' She blurts, and he raises his eyebrows over the rim of him wire-framed glasses in surprise.

''Where was I?''

''The car's in the garage'', she tries to explain but it's obvious that nothing is going the way it should, the way she expected it to.

''Bling gave me a ride'', he says curtly and motions for her to follow him to the kitchen.

She leans against the counter and watches him make her a sandwich, even though eating is the last thing on ger mind. Her eyes wander over his face, quickly focusing on his hands when he notices what she's doing. He's just the same as always; they talk about the latest Eyes Only case, he doesn't ask her where she'd been again and Max feels like exploding. After nine months of waiting to see him and continue what they started with that kiss at the cabin, he acts like she wasn't even gone, like she was there with him just yesterday.

But she wasn't. She wasn't.

''Do you want some milk?'' He asks, and she glares daggers at him.

''I don't care about stupid milk'', she answers him fiercely, her voice a little harsher than she originally intended.

He doesn't even have the decency to look hurt. ''No milk, then.''

''What the hell is wrong with you?'' She yells, surprising both him and herself, closing the distance between them to stare down at him, trembling with frustration.

Things shouldn't be going like this.

''Excuse me?'' He asks, raising his voice just a little and tilting his head to look at her.

''Didn't you miss me at all?'' She asks a little softer, and a shadow crosses his face, his green eyes darkening with anger when he speaks.

''I did. But you never called'', he tells her and leaves her standing there, staring after him.

She closes her eyes and realizes that she may not be able to fix this.

It's no surprise when she finds him staring out the window in his usual brooding post, and it hurts her to see him like this again.

''I'm sorry'', she apologizes, but the words ring hollowly and he doesn't even look at her. ''Logan?''

''Why did you come back?'' He asks her, and he sounds so defeated that she can't stop herself from bending down and wrapping her arms around him.

''Because I missed you.''

He pulls away and gives her a look that chills her to the bone, because it's clear that he thinks she's just trying to pacify him.

''So the food was that bad?'' He asks with a fake smile when he notices her expression and she drops down on the back rest of the couch, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss.

She messed this one up pretty bad, and everything she says seems to be making matters worse, but she can't give up just yet.

''So the kiss meant nothing to you?'' She asks him one final question and he turns around sharply, looking at her incredulously.

''How can you even ask me that when you're the one who never called?!''

''How can you not understand? I tried calling you, and when you didn't answer I didn't try again because I knew that hearing your voice would make me pack my stuff and cover those 500 miles between us in half a night, no matter the consequences!''

He just looks at her and she has to blink back tears.

''Whatever'', she whispers to herself when he remains silent and walks away, digging her nails into her palms to keep from crying.

She lasts only until the elevator door closes after her.

***

Kendra wakes her up the next day with a squeak of delight and a fierce hug, telling her how worried everybody was.

''OC went to see Logan and gave him a piece of her mind as soon as he came home from the hospital, but he really had no idea where were you.''

''The hospital?'' Max asks numbly, and Kendra explains about some kind of emergency procedure he had the day she disappeared.

Knowing that she could've lost him months ago makes it a little easier to deal with the pain of his rejection, but it's still almost unbearable.

She had dozens of fantasies of their reunion and not a single one included her waking in her own bed.

''But you're back now, and that's all that's important. Where were you again?'' Kendra asks with a wink and doesn't pry further when Max tells her that she had a family emergency.

OC gives her a once over when she comes into Jam Pony and forces Normal to give her 'homegirl' back her job.

And then, her life is back on track, but it's a painful existence without Logan, made even worse with the knowledge that nothing stops her from going to see him except his rejection.

Her relief is immense when, finally, two weeks after she comes back, he leaves a 911 message on her new pager.

She drops through the skylight and he hesitates for just a moment before he tells her what he needs her to do for him.

They don't mention the fight and she knows that she needs to forget about the kiss and let go of her dreams, but she can't help watching him through different, smitten eyes.

She feels a lot like a school girl, head over heels for a boy who doesn't even know she exists.

And yet, it's better than being away from him, so she goes through the motions of friendship, does the EO missions for him and sometimes with him, eats dinners he cooks and beats him at chess.

She can't believe it used to be enough for her.

Still, sometimes he looks at her in a way that gives her hope that someday, they'll get through this and the time will be exactly right for them.

And she really can't wait for it to happen.

The rest of the story can be found here.

"Endless Love"

2009-05-10T14:30:13Z

WHAT: ''Dark Angel''
WHEN: sometime after "Freak Nation"
PAIRING: Max/Logan
GENRE: romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 1034
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

He finds Hannah for her and she throws her arms around him and holds on tight. It's clear that she surprised not only him but herself too, because the hug lasts less than three seconds and then she's on the move again.

They both pretend that nothing's happened but he can feel his body tingling where she was pressed against him for hours after she's gone and can't help hoping she feels the same.

He thinks that he loves her already.

***

He watches her go and wants to follow after her so badly that he almost reaches for the door handle, but he knows she'd be long gone before he could even get out of the car.

She saves him the trouble, turning around and walking back, looking at him in a way she never did before.

His eyes are glued to hers and she hesitates for just a moment before she presses her lips against his.

It is their first kiss and he can barely stand the fact that it is also their last, so he pulls away and tells her to go, before she makes it impossible for him to do so.

He watches her go for the second time and when the door to the cabin slams shut, it's like a bullet to his heart.

Still, he doesn't think that he ever loved her more.

***

He gets back into his apartment and she's there, closing the distance between them before he can even blink, dropping to her knees next to him and pulling him against her in a fierce, desperate hug. She tells him that she'd been so scared and his hand goes into her hair like it's got a will of its own.

She's shaking and that's when he realizes what was he about to do not only to himself, but to her too.

When he pulls away and sees the fear in her eyes, he knows that he'll never do anything like that again, no matter what the circumstances.

He loves her too much for that.

***

He's on the floor and it's back to square one, the shame he feels making his blood boil and his cheeks burn.

She kneels in front of him and tells him it doesn't matter, her sincere eyes making him believe her even if he doesn't want to.

He grows bold, leans forward and kisses her cheek.

She looks a little surprised but recovers quickly, leaning toward him for a real kiss, the one that feels exactly like coming home.

He doesn't think that he'll ever love her more than he does right now, as she sits on the floor with him and kisses him like there's no tomorrow.

***

He feels her presence behind him and turns around, ready for another disappointment, but she's really there, standing in the middle of his living room with a guarded expression on her pretty face.

Her hair is longer than it's ever been and her eyes are haunted, but she smiles faintly and he stands up even if he doesn't exactly believe his eyes.

When he gets to her and touches her face she's warm and alive, and nothing else matters to him.

She tastes the same as he remembers and although he used to think he couldn't love her more than he does, tonight he is proved wrong.

Tonight, he loves her more than he ever did before.

***

He sits in the car with her and the beeping of her alarm is the worst sound he's ever heard. She looks exhausted from false hope and he's angry at her for not letting them have that perfect quickie.

He makes a move to get up but realizes that he needs to kiss her goodbye even if it kills him on the spot.

The fact that she lets him tells him how much this hurts her too and he hopes he's not making it harder. He feels her eyes on him as he climbs out of the car and turns around and tells her he loves her.

She looks like she's about to cry and he leaves, knowing that he couldn't stand to see it without trying to comfort her.

He doesn't think he'll ever love her more, but he's completely aware that he already felt like that before.

***

He wakes up to the feel of her soft lips pressed against his own and it feels too good to stop her. It's been years since they'd been this close but he still dreams about her and her kisses.

She pulls away first and her eyes glisten in the darkness of his room before she turns on the lamp and smiles at him.

That's the moment he realizes he's not dying.

He sits up against the headboard very slowly because he's afraid any sudden movement could shatter this new dream he's having.

She tells him that the virus is gone and that he won't die if they touch, and he pinches himself before asking her how long they have.

''Forever'', she says confidently, reaching for his hand before she looks up at his eyes.

He's too stunned to speak, so he just brings his free hand up and traces his fingers over her smooth cheek. She leans into his hand and closes her eyes, a few tears flowing from under dark eyelashes before he wipes them away for her.

There's a lump in his throat and he wraps his arm around her and pulls her into his lap, wanting her as close to him as possible. She lays her head against his shoulder and their hands do the talking, fingers slowly trailing over warm skin, tugging at each other's clothes until there is nothing between them except love.

Their first time is like a fulfillment of an unreachable dream; it's what walking is for him and flying is for her.

She tells him so herself as she lays in his arms in the early morning light, drawing circles on his skin just as he is on hers, still unable to stop touching her.

He closes his eyes and knows that even though he feels like he'll never love her more than he does right now, he will.

He will.

"Believe Again"

2009-05-08T09:19:13Z

WHAT: ''NCIS''
WHEN: post "Dagger" AU
PAIRING: Tony/Ziva
GENRE: angst/romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 3284
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

Tony is a pig. He is also childish, immature and more often than not, irritating.

Tony is her partner; brave, reliable under fire and a good agent.

Tony is someone she is in love with.

She tried to suppress it, deny it and ignore it more times than she can count, spending hours counting his flaws, making mental lists of why she should not be in love with him, but all it took was one smile from him and she would forget why could they never work.

But… but.

After two years of fighting her feelings, she is just too tired to keep it up. It is not a conscious decision; he says that he is tired of pretending and she says that she is too, and she knows that he knows exactly what is she talking about.

His dismissal hurts her more than she thought possible, and she is left stunned in an empty elevator, unable to move.

She had put her heart in his hands and he dropped it on the floor and stepped on it on his way out.

Her hope dies without a sound.

***

A week later, they both get blown up. It is his third time and it is her fifth, but it is the worst for both. And it is all his fault.

***

When she wakes up in hospital, she sees double and is sick to her stomach. Her head hurts and every breath is agony, but she still tries to get up. McGee holds her down and she trashes wildly, but she is too weak to shake free.

He releases her only when she promises to stay down.

She asks him where is Tony, trying to remember what happened after they got out from their car. Most of it is hazy, but some things are crystal clear; Tony's eyes going wide when he sees the ticking clock, the sound of his voice when he yells for her to run, and the weight of his body on top of hers before the world exploded around them.

McGee looks shaken with her question but recovers quickly and tells her that Tony is in hospital too.

She breathes a sigh of relief and goes back to sleep.

***

The second time she wakes up Abby sits next to her bed, clutching her stuffed hippopotamus to her chest. She looks lost, tired and on the verge of a breakdown but still offers a shaky smile when she sees that Ziva is awake.

Abby does not say anything, just reaches for Ziva's hand and holds on.

This time, Ziva does not ask about Tony. She has a feeling that it is better not to know.

***

She dreams that Tony is gone and no one but her seems to notice. It is like they do not remember him ever being there, and she is desperately trying to find some kind of evidence that he is not just a figment of her imagination.

She wakes up breathless and her hospital gown is soaked, making her shiver in the darkness. There is something soft next to her cheek and she realizes it is Bert when she wraps her hand around it and hears it fart.

It should be funny, but the fact that Abby left her favorite toy with her and not Tony scares her to death.

She sits up slowly, but her cracked ribs still protest. Her left wrist is probably broken so she wraps her right arm around her middle and gets up from the bed. The world tilts and she almost passes out but the need to find Tony keeps her on her feet. By the time she reaches the door of her room she is gasping for every breath, but still soldiers on.

The hallway is dimly lit and she shuffles against the wall, looking in each room as she comes across it.

She almost moves past Tony without recognizing him, but her stomach drops even as her eyes dismiss him as someone too hurt to be her larger-than-life partner. It was, after all, just an explosion.

She halts in the doorway and stands frozen, heavily leaning against the door-frame and wishing that she had stayed in bed.

Tony is attached to more machines than she wants to count, various tubes connecting him to them. She takes a tentative step closer and the world is spinning again, but she refuses to lose consciousness now. When her head clears she gets to his bed and lays her good hand against his shoulder, blinking back tears and concentrating on his face instead of his broken body.

His head is wrapped in bandages and there is a cut on his cheek and a tube in his mouth, but she does not want to think about death.

It could have been her laying in his place if he had not shielded her with his body, and she wants to be angry at him for risking his life so recklessly, but she can only feel thankful. She knows it was not about her; Tony would do it for anybody else and it is making everything worse somehow. Exhaustion makes her sway on her feet, but it feels wrong to leave him alone. There are no chairs in his room and he occupies the only bed, and it is another reminder that she is not supposed to be here.

She sits down on the floor and rests her weary head against the edge of his bed, next to his hand.

Ziva will not leave him alone.

***

She wakes up to afternoon sun shining straight in her eyes and can not remember how did she got back into her bed. For a moment she thinks that her late night walk was just a bad dream and that Tony is better than she is, but then she turns her head and sees Gibbs standing on the other side of her bed with a haunted look in his eyes and knows it was all real.

He reprimands her for wandering around the hospital in the middle of the night but there is no flare in his words. The last time she saw him like this was after Jenny died and she demands to know what is wrong with Tony.

''He got blown up, that's what's wrong with him'', Gibbs snaps, but his eyes remain dead.

''I was there too'', she tells him, and he smiles sadly.

''Yeah, but DiNozzo was stupid enough to put himself between you and the flying car motor. If he just fell down next to you instead of on top of you, you'd be pretty banged up, but the damn thing would fly over both of you instead of-'', Gibbs trails off and now she is angry at Tony because it was all in vein.

''Will he recover?'' she asks, her voice barely over a whisper.

''They don't even know if he'll ever wake up'', Gibbs answers and she closes her eyes, silently praying for him.

It appears it is the only thing she can do.

***

In the beginning, there used to be just Kate and Tony. Now they are both gone and her and McGee are alone. Gibbs refuses to hire anyone new in Tony's place and she understands. She does not want Tony replaced either, because that would be like accepting that he will not wake up and come back, which is something she can not do, will not do.

She goes to see Tony every day, and in time it starts to feel like going to confession. She speaks in a low, soft voice and tells him about her day, trying to convey every McGee and Ducky antic as best she can.

She tries so hard, but Tony never responds to anything she says or does. His eyes remain closed and his hands are cold and he is so pale now that she might mistake him for the dead if there was not for the gentle pulse in his wrist when she wraps her fingers around it.

She closes her eyes and remembers his smile, his silly jokes and those green eyes sparkling with mischief 24/7.

She remembers how it felt to kiss him, to lay cushioned against his arm and tell herself she does not feel a thing.

Before she leaves him, she always presses a kiss on his now stubbly cheek and expects a miracle.

It does not happen.

***

It is ironic that when Tony finally wakes up, four months after the explosion, she is nowhere near him. In fact, she is not even in the States, chasing some obscure terrorist cell across the Europe with Gibbs and McGee. Abby calls in the middle of the night and she is making very little sense but the gist is that Tony is awake and Ziva can barely believe her ears, pinching herself on the arm just to be sure she is not dreaming.

There is underlined tension in Abby's voice but Ziva does not want to discuss his condition over the phone and Abby seems relieved.

Gibbs puts her on the first plane back and she has never been more anxious about meeting anybody than she is now about meeting Tony. She had been hoping for him to wake up for so long, but she never allowed herself to think about what will happen when he does. The doctors were reluctant to give any prognosis, but words like possible blindness and amnesia were often spoken.

On her flight, Ziva alternates between complete belief that he will be okay and fear that he we will not remember her.

She does not want to even think about blindness.

***

Ten hours later, she is standing outside the hospital and trying to gather courage to walk inside. She has a perfect excuse to postpone this because she has not eaten anything since her departure and she is sweaty and jet lagged and cranky, but she knows that it is now or never.

Abby meets her in the hallway and looks at her with a silent warning in her tearful eyes. Ziva hugs her briefly and goes into Tony's room.

It feels exactly like facing a firing squad.

***

She barely steps into his room before he says her name, but his head does not turn toward the door. Something very cold nestles in her stomach as she crosses the room to stand next to his bed, already knowing what is amiss.

''I am here, Tony'', she tells him softly, placing her finger under his chin and turning his face toward her.

His eyes does not focus on her face and she feels her knees buckle. She drops down on the edge of his bed and bites her lip hard enough to draw blood.

''Ziva… I can't see you'', he says softly, in a voice that is not entirely his. Ziva blinks back tears when his hand reaches blindly for her. She takes it in both of hers and draws circles on his palm with her fingers, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.

She tells him she missed him.

He tells her he dreamed about her all the time.

***

Now that Tony is awake and more or less healed, always preoccupied with PT and MO lessons, Ziva feels both unwanted and uncomfortable around him. She tries to tell herself that he is still Tony, but it is clearly that he is not the same. She is not sure is it because of the blindness or just the explosion in general, but he is more serious than he had ever been. Yes, he still jokes and teases her and calls her Zee-vah, but there is no light in his eyes and his smiles are just shadows on his face and she does not know how to help him.

She never thought she would miss him being obnoxious.

Still, she tries not to let her worries show. She comes to see him every day after work and they talk about her day and his day and she is often crying as soon as she is out the door.

If there was not for that special smile on his face when she walks into his room and he realizes it is her, she would stay away and let somebody else deal with him.

The only thing they never talk about is the explosion and how it affected him, but Ziva keeps waiting for him to snap at her and tell her it was her fault.

At work, Gibbs hires Tony's replacement and she acts like a bitch. She knows that Tony can not come back to work, but every time the elevator door opens, she expects to see him walking in.

She claims his desk as her own because she can not stand to see it empty.

The last thing she wants to do after another fight with Gibbs about inadequacy of the new agent on their team is to go see Tony, but she is moving on autopilot by now, certain that she could find her way from the office to the hospital in complete darkness.

Again, the irony does not escape her.

She finds him sitting on the couch in the common room and drops down next to him, hoping to keep her visit as short as possible.

''Who pissed you off today?'' He asks offhandedly, turning down the volume on the TV.

Ziva huffs and says nothing.

''Come on, Ziva, I know something's off'', he coaxes and the genuine concern on his face makes her furious.

''How would you know? You can not even see me!''

The words are out before she can stop herself but she presses her lips shut nevertheless, waiting for the outbreak.

''Excuse me?'' He does not even have the decency to raise his voice and she wants to hit him for being so calm.

''You got blown up needlessly protecting me and Gibbs had to hire a man I can not stand because he is not you and you are pretending that everything is okay and I-'', she stops her rant and bites her lip against a sob forming in her throat, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes.

''Oh Ziva'', he sighs and reaches for her, pulling her against him when he finds her. ''I can't afford thinking about how messed up everything is 'cause then I might break down, and DiNozzos don't do that.''

''It is not healthy to hold things inside.''

''Look who's talking. You were probably bent out of shape over this ever since I woke up and I had no idea.''

''Just talk to me, Tony. If you fall apart, I will put you back together before anyone notices.''

His arms tighten around her and he presses his cheek against her forehead, her whole body tingling with anticipation.

She has not been this close to him in years and it is making her dizzy.

''I hate the dark. I hate not being able to see where I'm going and I hate most of the people on the planet who can.''

Ziva stiffens and tries to pull away from him, but his grip on her is strong and unrelenting.

''I said most people, Ziva. You've been with me through everything and I don't regret trying to save you. They say that you didn't need it, but I say better safe than sorry.''

Ziva draws a shaky breath and wraps her arm tightly around him.

''Thank you for saving me, Tony'', she whispers and closes her eyes, finding immense comfort in his warmth and scent, in his breath against her skin and his voice in her ear saying: ''You're welcome.''

***

She has not come to visit him since they released him from hospital. He seemed relatively back to normal the last time she did saw him so she decided to give them both some time off from each other.

She misses him every second they are apart, and for a moment she thinks she is hallucinating when she sees him walking out of the elevator.

The white cane in his hand is like a cold shower, but she is still almost ecstatic to see him.

Abby comes running down the hall and slams herself against him and Ziva feels tears prickling her eyes when Gibbs smacks him on the back of the head for coming to distract them from work in the middle of the day. McGee laughs and Tony calls him Probie and time seems to move backward; everything is like it used to be.

''Where's my ninja?'' Tony asks, and her heart drops at the affection in his voice.

They had crossed that fine line between partnership and something else and she did not even notice until now.

''I am here, Tony'', she says from behind his desk and their colleagues make themselves scarce in a matter of seconds.

''Snooping around the new guy's desk, are we?''

''No. This is my desk now'', she tells him and there is that smile on his face again, the one that is lately reserved only for her.

''So where is my replacement, then?''

She gets up and comes to stand next to him, smiling faintly.

''Gibbs sent him on a wild dog chase.''

''Wild goose chase, Ziva'', Tony promptly corrects and she can not believe how much she missed it.

When he reaches for her hand, she is already half way to give it to him.

''I missed you, Ziva'', he tells her, and she shrugs.

''I wanted to let you get settled before I came to see you.''

''It's been days'', he feigns exasperation but she can see that her absence made him worried.

''I can drive you home. I am sure Gibbs will not mind.''

Tony cringes, but there is a grin on his face.

''I might. How about you walk me there?''

''Your apartment is 30 blocks away!''

''How do you think I got here? Sure wasn't gonna try my chances with public transportation without some serious back-up.''

Ziva laughs and he wraps his fingers around her arm, letting her guide him back to the elevator.

McGee and Abby duck back around a corner and she rolls her eyes at them.

She is just walking Tony home.

***

''Ziva? What are we doing?'' He asks, his long fingers tightening around her own. They had been sitting on this bench outside his building for hours and she can not even remember how they came to be like this; her head on his shoulder, his arm around her, her hand in his.

''I do not know, Tony'', she tells him truthfully, because no matter how good this feels, she does not know what it means.

''Do you want to keep doing whatever we're doing?'' He prods, and she smiles to herself, a little amused with his uncertainty. ''Ziva? Still with me?'' He shakes her gently with a comical quirk of an eyebrow.

''Still with you'', she says softly, and he releases her hand, bringing it up to cup her face. ''Are you with me, Tony?'' she asks him, her voice shaky, her eyes searching his for the answer.

In the soft street-light, she can pretend that he is looking back at her.

''I couldn't be without you, Ziva'', he answers her huskily and she is too overwhelmed to speak or move, just closes her eyes and feels his lips on hers.

They do not know what they are doing, but it feels too good to stop.

Ziva used to believe in many things, but fairy-tales were never among them. Now, when Tony is kissing her, half a year after she stopped believing in anything at all, fairy-tale comes true, and nothing is wrong with the world.

Tony kisses her, and Ziva believes.

"Ghost in This House"

2009-04-19T20:29:16Z

WHAT: ''Dark Angel''
WHEN: during & after "Hello, Goodbye"
PAIRING: Max/Logan
GENRE: angst/romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 2586
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

It feels like she's watching a movie. He moves his hand to grasp her arm and she knows it's to late, knows that there's nothing she can do.

She knows that even she can't move fast enough to avoid killing him.

His fingers close around her arm and she jerks away; she thinks she should be screaming, but she doesn't make a sound, just looks up at his handsome face and starts shaking.

Logan looks at his hand and then his eyes meet hers. She's surprised that he doesn't even look frightened.

''This is not your fault'', he says before his legs give out and after that everything around her is a blur, everyone's on the move but her, frozen in time and unable to look away from his prone form on the ground.

Paramedics arrive and she briefly wonders where is Rafer, but then they take Logan away and she doesn't know what else to do but follow.

She's pretty sure she's never gone this fast on her Ninja before.

The hospital is oddly quiet, as if all the sounds are muffled with her fear that this is it, that there is no more miracles left for him, for them. She can't help thinking that this is not how it should end. They're not done yet, they haven't even begun.

She calls Alec for help but he's not coming and that means Joshua is her only hope.

When she enters Sandeman's house and he's not home she just crumples to the floor, tears streaming down her face, sobs wrecking her body, making her desperately fight for every breath. It's Logan that's dying, but she's the one who's looking death in the eye.

When her cellphone rings and she answers, her hands are shaking worse than when they used to when she had seizures, and Beverly's voice in her ear is like a bad omen.

''Max? Where are you? You need to come back NOW.''

''Joshua isn't home'', she says, her voice shaking as badly as her hands.

Beverly is silent for a moment, and her next words force Max to get a grip of herself and go back to the hospital.

''I'm sorry. It won't be long now, if you want to say goodbye.''

She knows that it's all her fault, knows that she killed him, but she can't deny herself one last look at his face, before he's forever gone.

***

She's still shaking when she walks into his room, her arms wrapped tightly around her, as if she's trying to keep herself from falling apart, unraveling from the inside.

Logan's breathing is shallow and the sound coming from the heart monitor is erratic, making her think about Manticore and brothers who give up their lives for their sisters and how unfair her life is.

She steps closer and whispers his name. No other word ever spoken felt more like a prayer.

When his eyes open, she realizes that, despite everything, she's still hoping for a miracle. She leans down close, their faces barely inches apart.

The look he gives her tells her that this is the end.

''Max'', he rasps, and she smiles softly, mesmerized with the green in his eyes. Her eyes water again at the thought that this is the last time she'll ever see them.

''You'll be fine'', she says, lying to him like she never did before.

''Max'', he reprimands her and it's amazing how he can speak volumes with a single word; her name.

''I love you'', she tells him because she can't stand the fact that he never heard it from her before, that his heart is out in the open for so long now, while hers is still locked away.

What happens next is too sudden and unexpected for her to avoid; his hand goes into her hair and he brings her lips down against his, one last time. On some subconscious level she knows that she should pull away, even if it's already too late, but when their lips meet, she feels how desperate and scared he is, and she can't deny him anything, much less her kiss.

He kisses her with his last breath, and she kisses him long after that.

***

Original Cindy is trying to convince her to let go of him but Max doesn't really hear the words she's saying. She's spooned against Logan on the narrow hospital bed, her head on his shoulder, his long fingers entwined safely with hers. It's been so long since she could touch him and she intends to make every second memorable.

The fact that he is cold and that his chest is silent is like an afterthought because he's still Logan. He still smells like Logan and he still feels like Logan; he's still the only man she ever loved.

So she pretends that nothing's wrong.

Original Cindy is silently crying and running her fingers through Max's hair and Max doesn't think that there is anything left in this world that could make her move.

She's never leaving him again.

***

It's strange, but she's never been to a funeral before, so she's not sure what to think about the ceremony or the lies about a better place that the priest tells in a low, compassionate voice. They make her think about Ben and she glances at Alec, standing with his back straight and eyes straight ahead.

If it wasn't for him being in jail, she thinks she'd still be in hospital next to Logan, instead of standing at this cemetery and watching them lower his casket into the ground. She's never hated anyone more than she hates Alec, for a thousand different reasons.

Wait, she did. She does. It's her.

She'll never forgive herself, and she embraces the pain, the gaping wound inside her right where it should be.

Still, she's the only female here who isn't crying. She simply can't. It's like she's not even on the same planet as the rest of these people, and all she wants is for everything just to be over.

***

Third day after the funeral she packs her stuff and moves to Logan's apartment. It's the first time in a long time she doesn't pick a lock, and it's the first time ever she uses his keys. She drops her bags inside the door and just stands there for a while, her eyes closed, memories assaulting her. With an enhanced mind as hers, she remembers everything. It's a mixed blessing, but she knows she'd rather remember everything than not remember at all.

She can still hear his voice inside her head, and she hopes it'll never fade away.

When she opens her eyes, he's sitting in his wheelchair and looking up at her, his head tilted to the side speculatively. She gasps, takes a step forward, halts. She's afraid to breathe, to blink, to move, so she just stares at him wide-eyed.

He disappears all at once, and it feels like a knife in her gut.

***

Original Cindy tells her that it's not healthy what she's doing, living in his apartment alone, but Max doesn't want to hear it.

Joshua tries to comfort her in his own odd way but it only makes her mad, then she's sorry for snapping at him and making him upset and everything is a mess.

Alec can't stop apologizing to her even though he got arrested for something Ben did, but Max isn't really interested in anything he's got to say.

Sketchy avoids her like the plague.

Normal is incredibly polite when he gives her packages to deliver, and she hates it.

***

There never used to be that many Aztek's in Seattle. She knows this for a fact because she always kept an eye while making her deliveries; seeing his car somehow always made her feel closer to him. It wasn't rational, but love never is.

When she sees an Aztek now, there's a brief split-second before her brain registers that it's not his, that it can't be his and that he's not around anymore, and in that split-second she feels good again. She feels whole.

The seconds after that first one, well, they're pure agony.

***

His apartment isn't empty like everyone thinks. Logan is there all the time, and sometimes, she even sees him.

She walks into the kitchen and he's standing at the sink washing the dishes, turning around and smiling at her over his shoulder before he's gone.

She sits on the couch and he rolls in, stopping across the table from her and looking at her with worry. She blinks in surprise and he's always gone.

She goes to sleep in his bed every night, and he lays his head on the pillow next to her, and if she concentrates hard enough, she can hear him breathe. She closes her eyes and falls asleep despite the fact that she doesn't need it, and in the morning she's all alone again.

She sees him when she comes in from work, rounding a corner toward his office, sitting on the couch in the living room, staring out the window, looking up at her surrounded in light.

He never says anything, and it's the only thing that assures her that she hasn't gone crazy.

***

She stops paying attention to the news of the transgenics. One rainy tuesday night she breaks into the tattoo parlor and gets rid of her barcode, intending to keep it away with a laser every week. The day after that she cuts her hair off and dies it dark-blonde. Her motorcycle is parked in the garage next to Logan's car and she doesn't ride it anymore.

Everybody tells her that Logan wouldn't approve, but she smiles to herself and doesn't even bother to tell them that they have no idea about what Logan thinks, 'cause they're not the ones who see him every day.

It's easier this way. Letting go of all that she is isn't as hard as it looks, and all she has to worry about is just how to deliver Normal's packages and keep everyone at a distance.

***

Exactly six weeks after Logan dies a package with her name on it waits for her when she comes to work. Normal tells her to go home and open it in private, and it takes a single look for her to recognize Logan's neat handwriting. Her world spins just a little and she stands there, feeling like she's just witnessing a miracle. She embraces the package to her chest and walks out from Jam Pony, unable to stop smiling, even if her heart is breaking again with all the love Logan keeps showing her.

***

She gets home in a daze and doesn't know what to do with the package. It's heavy in her hands 'cause she carried it across two sectors, but she doesn't want to let it go. Something's rattling inside, a few somethings, actually, and she never loved Logan more than she does now.

She never missed him more, too.

Finally, she carries the package in the bedroom and places it on the bed in front of her. Logan sits against the headboard and she smiles at him before carefully removing the wrapping and setting it gently aside.

The first thing she sees is a sealed envelope with her name written on it. It's thick and it's a promise of Logan's last words after his last words. She sets it aside for now, realizing that he's no longer sitting on the bed with her.

He'll be back, she knows.

There are three more packages inside the big one, marked ''Logan'', ''Max'' and ''us''. The last word makes her shiver with lost opportunities and she wishes for the thousandth time that she wasn't so stubborn and that he wasn't so reckless.

She takes the ''Logan'' marked one out, closing her eyes for a moment before opening the package. Inside is his life aside from her, but as she takes out the vial with bullet fragments extracted from his spine and stares at it, she knows that their lives are hopelessly entwined together. She carefully reads his college diploma, stares at his graduation day picture until her eyes water, skims the articles that he wrote before Eyes Only and as she places his wedding band on her forefinger, she realizes that this is his way of saying goodbye. Her heart starts to race and she jumps from the bed and races though the apartment, from room to room, in desperate search for him.

''Logan!'', she's breathless and he's nowhere to be found. The gaping wound inside her expands.

Losing him once was unbearable, but twice, she's not sure she can survive. She moon-walks back to the bedroom and opens the ''Max'' box, doing it only to keep from falling apart completely.

Inside is a picture of her from Bennet's wedding, her corsage, and his mother's locket in a delicate red box. She frowns and glances at the envelope with his letter but doesn't reach for it yet. There is also a tiny, beautifully made statue of Bast in her package, and she fingers the cool stone, sadly smiling at the thought that he always saw her that way; an Egyptian goddess falling into his apartment and his life from the sky.

She looks at the items strewn around her and she understands why he sent them to her now. He always knew exactly what she needed when she was hurting.

The last package is what they are together; another photo from the wedding, the two of them smiling at each other, their heads close together at the dinner table; Logan's toast they once spoke in perfect unison, his voice echoing in her head as she reads it again; sector passes from their trip to Cape Haven; a copy of the poem she took from his poetry book, a poem he wrote about her…

Her hand is shaking as she reaches for the envelope and for a moment she contemplates not opening it, but then she's tearing at the paper and reading slowly and carefully, because every word matters.

I love you, Max… I hope you're okay… I don't regret a single moment we spend together… It's not your fault… You're the best thing that's ever happened to me… You're the truest soul I know… Don't forget me…

I know you don't believe in a higher place, but if there is one and I end up there, I'll wait for you. Take your time, though.

I want you to take my mother's locket… Don't ever change, Max… I'm always with you, even when you can't see me…

The sentences blur together as the tears fall and she keeps the pages away from the moisture, reading on and on until there's nothing left and his first and last words repeat in her head, time and time again.

I love you, Max.

''I love you too'', she whispers and clasps his mother's locket around her neck. It's somehow warm against her skin and she wipes away the tears, taking a deep breath and raising her eyes from the letter just to see him leaning against the doorway.

He smiles, raises his eyebrows in greeting (or is it farewell?) and she stares at him, knowing that this is it; one moment more to memorize his face before he goes away for good. When he pushes from the doorway and leaves, Max doesn't follow.

She knows she'll never see him again, but the gaping wound inside her seems to be closing nevertheless.

Reading In 2008

2009-01-14T11:27:25Z

18.1.2008.	Deanna Kizis	Kako upoznati slatke dečke	251
21.1.2008.	Viktoria Faust	Mamac	140
21.1.2008.	Elizabeth Peters	Zmija na kruni	349
31.1.2008.	Alice Hoffman	Morske priče	111
1.2.2008.	Dan Rhodes	Timoleone Vieta, vrati se kući	167
3.2.2008.	Stephanie Meyer	Pomrčina	495
4.2.2008.	Elizabeth Peters	Čuvar horizonta	391
18.2.2008.	Francesca Clementis	Zar bih ti lagala?	356
28.2.2008.	J.R.R. Tolkien	Hurinova djeca	189
17.3.2008.	Jonathan Tropper	Kako utješiti udovca	303
4.4.2008.	Jose Saramago	Ogled o sljepoći	293
9.4.2008.	Alice Hoffman	White Horses	283
17.4.2008.	Alice Hoffman	Seventh Heaven	256
7.5.2008.	Jeffery Deaver	The Cold Moon	510
12.5.2008.	Cecelia Ahern	Na kraju duge	380
17.5.2008.	Meg Cabot	PRINCEZINI DNEVNICI VI - Princeza na poduci	238
19.5.2008.	Meg Cabot	PRINCEZINI DNEVNICI VII - Princeza na tulumu	282
19.5.2008.	Kirsten Beyer	BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - One Thing Or Your Mother	231
20.5.2008.	Jane Green	Babyville	358
29.5.2008.	Alice Hoffman	The Probable Future	322
9.6.2008.	Lorna Landvik	Opake kućanice uživaju u slatkišima	568
28.6.2008.	Clive Cussler	Zmija	432
4.7.2008.	Frances Mayes	Bella Toscana	283
8.7.2008.	Isabel Wolff	Svi pokušaji Tiffany Trott	413
13.7.2008.	Imogen Edwards-Jones	Modni Babilon	287
13.7.2008.	Sally Koslow	Slatki mali otkazi	383
15.7.2008.	Kathy Reichs	Sablasni ponedjeljak	331
17.7.2008.	Joanne Harris	Cipelice kao bombon	518
21.7.2008.	Deanna Kizis	Izgubljeni u preuređenju	323
26.7.2008.	Clive Cussler	Zlatni Buda	493
29.7.2008.	Douglas Adams	Vodič kroz galaksiju za autostopere	206
30.7.2008.	Jane Fallon	Kako se riješiti Matthewa	370
2.8.2008.	Douglas Adams	Restoran na kraju svemira	222
3.8.2008.	Liz Maverick	Što djevojka želi	231
6.8.2008.	Clive Cussler	Sveta stijena	364
13.8.2008.	Douglas Adams	Život, univerzum i sve ostalo	214
14.8.2008.	Douglas Adams	Doviđenja, i hvala za sve one ribe	198
14.8.2008.	Douglas Adams	Uglavnom bezopasni	236
15.8.2008.	Marian Keyes	Sushi za početnike	531
24.8.2008.	James Rollins	Podzemlje	358
31.8.2008.	Markus Zusak	Kradljivica knjiga	556
4.9.2008.	Marian Keyes	Lucy Sullivan se udaje	587
12.9.2008.	Yvonne Navarro	BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - Tempted Champions	240
13.9.2008.	Alice Hoffman	Turtle Moon	275
22.9.2008.	Karen Marie Moning	Kiss of the Highlander	396
1.10.2008.	Douglas Adams	Holistička detektivska agencija Dirka Gentlyja	255
6.10.2008.	Douglas Adams	Dugo, mračno poslijepodne duše	230
9.10.2008.	Jonathan Stroud	Golemovo oko	475
17.10.2008.	Jonathan Stroud	Ptolemejeve dveri	429
21.10.2008.	Alice Hoffman	Local Girls	197
28.10.2008.	Alice Hoffman	At Risk	275
31.10.2008.	Susan Waggoner	Bolje od čokolade	361
8.11.2008.	Stephanie Meyer	The Host	617
13.11.2008.	Alexandra Potter	Me and Mr. Darcy	340
17.11.2008.	Sue Monk Kidd	Tajnovit život pčela	312
21.11.2008.	Kevin Henkes	Olivin ocean	215
22.11.2008.	Diana Gallagher	BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER - Prime Evil	260
22.12.2008.	Fiona Neill	Tajni život jedne mame	430
27.12.2008.	Chris Manby	Sedam sunčanih dana	342

59 books=19658 pages

''Love Land''

2007-05-14T12:44:54Z

WHAT: ''Angel''
WHEN: sometime post ''Not Fade Away''
PAIRING: Spike/Buffy
GENRE: romance
RATING: PG-13
WORD COUNT: 1615
DISCLAIMER: Characters are not mine, I'm just playing with them.

''Where are we going?'', Buffy asked for the tenth time in just as much minutes, and Spike shot her a warning look before turning his eyes back on the road.

''I told you already: you'll see when we get there, so stop asking, or I'll turn this car around and drive back home.'' She loved it when he was like this, but she hated not to know where were they going.

Buffy pouted in her seat wondering was she even dressed appropriately. She was wearing jeans, red woolen sweater, and plain winter coat, so what if the place he was taking her to was fancy? Still, from looking at his clothes she was almost entirely sure that it wasn't, because he was wearing the stuff he always wore; black jeans and T-shirt, accompanied with his worn leather duster. She glanced out the window, watching the snow silently falling. They were currently living in London, and she couldn't get enough of perfect whiteness that covered everything here ever since Christmas. She tried to think of where could he take her that they'd never been before and failed again.

After another ten minutes Spike pulled to a stop in front of a large building without any signs that would tell Buffy what was inside, and she was about to ask him again, but then he placed a wrapped up box in her lap and her lips stretched into a smile.

''What's this?'', she asked, more excited than before.

''Your birthday present, love'', Spike answered, and Buffy tore at the paper.

''You already gave me a present'', she said before she opened the box. Her birthday party was held a week earlier with all her friends, and Spike's present was a beautiful bracelet she didn't took off ever since.

''That wasn't the real present'', he shrugged, and Buffy opened the box. Sitting in the pool of purple silk were the most beautiful ice-skates she ever saw. They were shiny white with a single delicate purple flower on each and matching laces. She was speechless but the teenager in her was jumping up and down, squealing much like Dawn still did sometimes.

''Thank you'', Buffy said, leaning toward him and kissing him passionately, kissing him like he just gave her the world, entangling her free hand in his hair, disturbing his slicked back curls slightly.

''This means you like it, pet?'', he asked with a chuckle and she laughed.

''I love it. So you're taking me skating tonight?'', she inquired, just to clarify what she already knew. The butterflies in her stomach went nuts just from the idea of skating, because it's been so long since she did last time. Ever since Angel, in some other lifetime.

Spike just exited the car and opened her door a second later, smiling one of those perfect little smiles she saw so rarely, but when she did, she couldn't help smiling back. Discarding the box Buffy took each of her skates in one hand and followed Spike into the building, barely sustaining from bouncing as she walked.

She was quite surprised when she found out that there were other people there, mostly young couples skating, with a DJ providing for the music. The selection was just what she liked, and everything Spike didn't, so she was stricken once again with the fact that he'd endure everything for her.

'''m just gonna go pay for us, pet'', he said, briefly kissing her, motioning toward the nearest bench. She sat down there, frowning slightly.

''Us?'', Buffy echoed, but he was already gone.

She quickly pulled off her boots and tucked them beneath the bench, before she pulled the skates on. Just as she started to tie the laces Spike came back, his duster gone somewhere, black skates discarded on the bench between them as he took him combat boots off. Buffy watched in utter amazement as he sat down and strapped his skates on, forgetting about hers entirely. He felt her stare and gazed up, smirking shamelessly.

''What, you thought I'd miss all the fun and let you skate alone?'', he asked, going back to his laces, and Buffy heard her voice in her head saying: ''Angel did.'' Spike's voice replayed instantly: ''Angel's bloody stupid.'' Still, she never expected from Spike, the Big Bad, even if he wasn't bad anymore, to go skating with her. He never stopped surprising her.

''Ready, then?'' He asked, and rolled his eyes when she glanced down at her still untied laces, collecting her feet in his lap and doing it for her. –like I'm six years old- She loved every second of it.

They walked awkwardly toward the entrance on the ice hand in hand, and Buffy felt happy, perfectly happy, happy like she hadn't felt ever since she got called to be a Slayer, almost 10 years ago. This was heaven, and they didn't even started skating yet.

''Let's go'', she murmured and they were finally moving gracefully, moving effortlessly through the air, dancing on a frozen mirror. After a few circles in perfect silence, Buffy looked up at Spike, asking him softly, sweetly: ''Is this a dream?''

''As far as I know, it's very real'', Spike said, his expression changing from amused to worried as Buffy's eyes started glistening with tears.

''I love you'', she told him, unable to take her eyes off of his face, his bluer than possible eyes and those lips that made her tremble inside everytime he'd kiss her.

''I love you'', he said sincerely, the way he always did, time and time again, even when she didn't believe him.

When she finally looked away from him, they were alone on the ice.

''Where'd all the people go?'', she asked, looking around and shaking her head as if she was trying to clear it. Maybe it was a dream.

''Closing time'', Spike explained, spinning her in a circle.

''I don't want to go yet'', she told him, her chin shaking slightly.

''Not for us, baby. We can stay as long as you want to.''

''Good'', Buffy said with a grin, breaking away from him and doing a lovely pirouette.

He caught up to her and his arms were around her in a matter of seconds, as he was spinning them both around for a few circles.

''So, where did William the Bloody learned to skate so well?'' Buffy asked, tilting her head a bit to look up at him.

He smiled enigmatically and turned her for yet another circle, before they glided together diagonally across the rink on the edges of their skates.

''Tell me!'' Buffy demanded, breaking away again and skating backward from him.

''Dru loved it'', he said, skating away from her too.

''Hey! Get back here you-'', she started to say, but then she saw that he was going for a jump, and quickly shut her mouth, forgetting about Drusilla. Her eyes widened as he spun in the air, one, two, three times, just to land perfectly, a few yards away from her. For a moment she forgot that he was a vampire, and that it was easy for him to do something like that, and she stared at him wide-eyed, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of the water. It was a beautiful sight to see.

Spike just smiled and skated toward her, kissing her quickly before he scooped her up and turned around himself a few times. Buffy giggled and he set her down on top of his skates, skating lazily backwards, kissing her the way only he could. Her blood was boiling beneath the surface, her heart racing because this… it felt exactly like flying. Skating usually felt like gliding, elevated from the ground, but this was even better. It was something she wanted to do every day from now on, something she didn't wanna stop doing.

Their lips finally parted but he didn't stop skating, and her eyes fluttered open to meet his.

''You okay, pet?'' He asked silently, almost whispering.

''I'm perfect, and you're a God'', she said seriously, and then burst into laughter.

''Glad you finally admit it'', he said with a smirk and set her down on ice again, but didn't remove his arms from around her. Buffy wondered what was he up to now, and found out soon enough. They were moving across the ice in lightning speed, or, rather, vampire speed, and she wasn't the least bit afraid because his strong arms were holding her tight, keeping her safe.

She was almost sad when he stopped, gazing in her eyes and waiting for her approval of what he just did. Some other Buffy would yell at him for putting her in danger like this, she'd probably kick him viciously even if she knew perfectly well that he'd rather die again than see her hurt. Not this Buffy. This was a new, improved and loved version of Buffy, and this one was much closer to little skating Buffy he saw in pictures Dawn must've show him over the summer Buffy was gone.

New Buffy raised on tips of her skates and kissed him gently, her arms wrapping around his neck, her small frame pressing against him.

It was the best late-birthday present she ever got, and the night was far from over.

''Catch me if you can'', Buffy giggled, skating away as fast as she could, perfectly aware that he'll catch her soon. She wouldn't want it to be any other way.

When he did, she squeezed her hand in his and they danced the night away, for once leaving the world of humans and demons behind and just being Buffy and Spike, with a few little advantages.